


Texts from an Unknown Number

by GaryOldman



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: AU, Anathema is a great pal, Fluff, Forever, Human AU, M/M, Strangers, Texting, These two idiots just dancing around how much they obviously like each other, Wrong number, halloween party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-01-30 05:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaryOldman/pseuds/GaryOldman
Summary: The human wrong number AU I have been craving.Trapped at a boring Halloween party, Aziraphale tries to get in touch with Gabriel but his text ends up in the wrong place.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device
Comments: 362
Kudos: 979
Collections: Courts GO Re-Reads, Good Omens Human AUs





	1. The angel and the snake

****

###  **Text recieved, 31 October 2019 23:27**

Gabe, where are you? I can't see you and trying to work out this telephone is very confusing. My costume is uncomfortable and, to the frustration of your friend Michael, I have not a clue what I am dressed as. 

**Which costume?**

My costume. Gabriel, where are you? 

**Remind me what costume you’ve got?**

You’re the one who gave it to me. It’s that silly Obey One from that film you like.

**Send a pic.**

Fine. 

_[Sent: Picture]_

**Cute. You’re an angel. **

No. It’s the Star Battle film. Gabe, where are you?

**Oh, this isn’t Gabe.**

What? Who is this? Have you stolen Gabe’s mobile device? 

**Nah, sorry. You got the wrong number. Love the costume though**

**Oh, and Gabe sounds like an idiot. You should dump him. **

Dump him? Oh no my dear, it’s not like that in the slightest. 

**Good. You gonna leave that terrible excuse for a party then?**

I should wait to hear from Gabe. One cannot just leave a party without thanking the host. 

**One can. One just did.**

You’re at a party too?

**Not anymore. Bailed, didn’t I, angel? Keep up**

Well I cannot just bail. And I’m not an angel.

**You can. You’re bored.**

You’re very sure of yourself for a stranger. What makes you think I’m bored?

**Because you’d rather be texting a stranger than talking to anyone there. **

…  
Well, okay, you might be right, but there’s a wonderful Chateaux de Moisnette someone has hidden in this airing cupboard so I am enjoying myself a little. 

**Let me get this straight. **

**You’ve stolen wine CLEARLY not meant to be stolen by party goers**

**And to top it all off**

**You’ve locked yourself in an airing cupboard to drink it alone?**

….I suppose I have. And anyway I’m not alone - I’m talking to you. 

**A wrong number. **

Yes. So, what’s your costume? 

**Snake. **

And why did you leave your party so early?

**Asking lots of questions aren’t you?**

**Well it was a bit crap and in my case there was no fancy wine to steal.**

Well in that case let me tempt you over here. There’s plenty of Chateaux de Moisnette (for now).

**Gee, buy a boy a meal first. **

### Text received, 1 November 2019 07:02

Oh my dear. I would like to extend my most sincere apologies for my messages yesterday evening. As you are aware, I was under the influence of a wonderful vintage, and should not have conducted myself so familiarly with a stranger. I wish you good fortune.

### Text received, 1 November 2019 12.34

**Ugh. Do you not sleep? **

**And don’t leave me hanging - did you get caught in the airing cupboard? **

I do sleep but I had to get to work sharpish to open. 

** **What do you do?** **

I run a bookstore. 

** **Cute. ** **

** **So come on, what happened with the wine theft?** **

Gabriel eventually text me asking where I was. I managed to say my goodbyes shortly after your last message. Filled the bottle with a bit of water and jammed the cork back in there. Think I got away with it. 

** **And you’re not hungover at all?** **

I don’t tend to feel the effects of hangovers. 

** **Ah, I forgot. You’re an angel. Angels don't get hangovers** **

I’m not an angel. 

** **Then why're you saved in my phone as Angel?** **

Should I save you as Snake in that case? 

** **Hiss. ** **

** **Not my name. ** **

Well what is your name? 

** **…** **

I’m sorry, that was quite familiar. 

** **Nah, it’s fine. ** **

** **It’s Crowley. ** **

Unusual. 

** **Why? Is yours John or something? ** **

Not quite. 

** **This is the part you tell me your name. ** **

This is weird. 

** **Kinda.** **

How old are you? 

** **Very familiar of you, angel. ** **

Sorry. But it would be odd to messaging a child about drinking. 

** **It’s fine, I’m 32. ** **

Oh! So am I. 

** **I thought you'd be something like that.** **

How could you possibly guess that? 

** **You sent me a picture, remember? ** **

Oh, gosh. Sorry about that. 

** **Nah it’s fine. Whatever. ** **

### Text received, 1 November 2019 14.30 

Deary me. The bookshop had a bit of a rush, I apologise for the slow response. 

** **Oh. ****

**** That’s fine. ** **

So what do you do? 

** **Not much. ** **

Not much? How can you do not much? 

** **I made my money the old fashioned way. ** **

** **Killed my dad for the inheritance. ** **

…. 

** **I’m joking. ** **

…I knew that. 

** **Probably not a good idea making serial killer jokes to wrong numbers. ** **

You never mentioned serial killing. Who else did you kill for the inheritance? 

** **Some guy who text me as a wrong number.** **

Dear me. I’ll get my affairs in order then, I suppose. 

** **I’d recommend it. ** **

** **Just to confirm, I’ve never killed anyone. ** **

** **I started a business. It did okay. Sometimes means I don’t have to work Fridays. ** **

That’s exactly what a serial killer would say, I'm afraid. 

** **Hey, you’re the one who text me. I’m innocent here. ** **

I suppose you’re right. 

### Text received, 1 November 2019 19:35 

What business did you start? 

** **Good evening to you too.** **

** **Just some plant food thing.** **

Plant food? 

Crowley’s Miracle Plant Cure? 

** **Did you Google me? ** **

Did you meet David Attenborough? 

_[Sent: Picture]_

** **I can’t believe you Googled me. ** **

** **Did you take a picture of your computer screen?** **

You got a picture of me. This is only fair. 

** **Yes, but I don’t know your name, so now it's massively unfair. ** **

Fine. It’s Aziraphale. You can try Googling me, but I shan’t be found. Very underwhelming. 

** **That’s totally an angels name. You’re an angel, I’m sure of it. ** **

YOU GOT AN HONOURARY DEGREE? 

HOW DO I TURN THE CAPITALS OFF? 

Oh okay I got it. 

That’s very impressive. 

And I’m not an angel. 

** **Prove it. ** **

Not sure how I’m meant to do that. 

** **Because you’re an angel.** **

You live in London? 

** **Can you get off my wikipedia page please? ** **

Sorry. 

I live in London too. 

** **Yeah, you and 9 million others. ** **

Oh would you look at the time! 

**It’s 10.**

That’s so late. I should be off to bed. 

** **You were up til past midnight yesterday. ** **

Yes, but it was a party. Searching good looking strangers on google whilst home alone isn’t a party. 

**Good looking?**

I think you misheard me. 

** **You typed it. I’m reading it. ** **

Well then it was a typography error. 

** **They’re called typos, angel. ** **

Yes, it was one of those. 

** **Alright. Go to sleep. It’s past your bedtime. ** **

Of course. Well, thank you for the conversation, Anthony J Crowley of FearOfCrowley Inc. 

** **Never Google me again.** **


	2. Birthday Witches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texts, like sparks, continue to fly.

###  Text received, November 3 2019 21:13

I do hope this isn’t too peculiar, but I wanted to say Happy Birthday because everyone deserves birthday wishes. I hope your day has been filled with wonderful things. 

** What? **

I didn’t Google you again! I just remembered from the other day.

When I Googled you. 

** Bloody heavens.**

Isn’t it meant to be bloody hell?

** Tomato, tomato. **

**That definitely doesn’t work on text. **

I got the gist. 

So did you have a good day?

** Do adults celebrate birthdays?**

I certainly do. I rather enjoy a shindig. 

** No shindigs here.**

You’re not doing anything?

** Just our wholesome tradition of weekly Sunday drinks. **

Drinking on a Sunday?

** Yep. God’s day of rest seemed a fitting way to start the week and reject my Catholic upbringing in one fell swoop. Plus less people in the bar. **

I don’t know whether to be appalled by the blasphemy or impressed that you didn’t think it was a foul swoop.

Or a fowl swoop. 

Terrible.

** Is that a common issue?**

Like you wouldn’t believe. 

** If it helps with the blasphemy, the friend I’m drinking with is a self-confessed witch.**

Heavens, how would that help?

** Two negatives and all.**

**She’s asking about you. **

Me? 

…

I may be a bit of a novice with these phone things, but I’m certain that the little font beneath my last messages means you’ve read them. 

Unless it means read as more of a call to action. 

But given the context, that seems less likely. 

** Sorry, was showing her your picture. **

And why would you do a thing like that? 

** S’cute.**

**She was asking why you were called Angel in my phone and wouldn’t buy that you were just a random wrong number. **

Oh, right. 

** She agrees with me. Definitely an angel. And she’s a witch you know. **

**Although, wouldn’t lisssten to her too much. She’s drunk and has assumed this was some kind of Tinder thing. **

**Lisstten****

**Listen* **

**Sorry. Might be a bit drunk too.**

Tinder? 

Oh, she thought I might be a girlfriend?

** Yeah, or boyfriend **

Ah of course. 

** Not too blasssphemous? **

Err no. 

I mean, I work in Soho. You’d have a hard job surprising me. 

** Ah of course**

I should go to bed. 

** It’s 10.30.**

**Well past your bedtime.**

**Tut tut**

I got distracted. 

** Oh? **

Good book. 

** What book? **

You wouldn’t know it. 

** Of course. **

**Speak tomorrow.**

Yes, goodnight.

###  Text received, November 4th 00:21

_ Home safe x _

** ugh, I was already asleep **

_ You’re just upset the text was from me and not your angel. _

** Going back to sleep now. **

_ You know I’m right. You’ll see soon enough. I’m always right. x _

###  Text received, November 4th 12:15 

** Why is London traffic so bad? **

Because people insist on driving their ridiculously expensive new cars to take a journey a bus or tube would be much quicker - not to mention cheaper - to do. 

It occurs to me now that you may well be one of those people. 

** Guilty as charged. **

**Though it’s a 1926 vintage Bentley. Beautiful machine not exactly a new. **

Oh my dear, I do apologise.

**Don’t tell me - you’re a tube person? **

**Or worse**

**A cyclist?! **

Heavens no. I walk.

Though I am partial to the Piccadilly line. 

** Why the Piccadilly line? **

It has all the best stops. 

** I find it impossible to believe that there is a tube with good stops. **

There is. The Piccadilly line. 

** Despicable**

###  Text received, November 4th 12:36 

** Ana **

_ Crowley? _

** How hypocritical is it to do something yourself that you requested someone did not do to you? **

_ Well that’s the definition so I’m going to guess_

_Very_

_Why? _

** Okay but what if that person said you could do it? **

_ Do what? _

** The thing you asked them not to do. **

_ Yes thank you Anthony, I got that much. _

_I was more curious as to what this whole thing is about? _

_Are you finally asking people how their weekends were? _

** What? No. **

_ I’m just trying to think of something you hate that other people don’t. _

** Just answer the question. **

**Ana**

**Anathema Device**

_ Anthony Janthony Crowley_

** What**

**WHAT**

**The J isn’t for Janthony. **

_ What does it stand for? _

** Answer my question**

_ no, you answer mine _

** No. **

_ Fine. _

** Fine. **

_ I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch? _

** Ugh. Yes, obviously. **

###  Text received, November 4th 17:03 

** Do you ever find out that someone thinks something about you that is so bizarrely off base you wonder if anyone knows you at all? **

Ah, yes. Quite a lot actually. 

Only the other day my neighbour barged into the shop accusing me of dallying with the ladies of the street. 

Not the street in a capital T capital S The Street, but the women of our street. 

All the women. 

Of our street.

** Right.**

**Well, my mate just thought my middle name was Janthony. **

Pardon my prying, but your friend thought your name was

Anthony Janthony Crowley? 

** Precisely. **

And is it?

** No! **

**That's not even a name. **

Well what is it? 

** Not saying.**

**Even Wikipedia can’t give you these answers, angel. **

I’m sure there’s a lot Wikipedia couldn’t tell me. 

** Correct. The page on Golden Girls is woefully short. The real stuff is on IMDb. **

I was meaning in reference to you, but I suppose that response is eye opening in its own ways. 

** Well…**

**I don’t even watch it. **

**Never have. **

Of course.

**Just heard all that from a friend. **

Naturally. 

** Isn’t it your bed time? **

It’s 7pm. 

** Question still stands. **

No, it is not. 

** Only 7? Bloody heavens. **

Long day? 

** Shouldn’t complain I suppose. Met with some head honcho of a Garden Centre chain about some partnership thing. **

That doesn’t sound so bad?

** Easy for you to say. I bet you’re naturally bloody charismatic and charming. Having to make nice and drink tea and sell. **

**It’s not me. **

I think you’re charismatic and charming, and you’re not even trying. 

** Who says I’m not trying?**

**Anyway, he bought the thing so it worked. **

**But was it worth driving all the way to South East London? **

Definitely not. 

** Haha**

**You’re right.**

**So how about your day? **

Same as ever. Walked to work, scared customers off, closed the shop, came home.

I did end up going to my favourite sushi restaurant though. 

** Date? **

Oh 

No. 

Nothing like that.

** Oh**

**Me neither **

Oh. 

Splendid.

###  Text received, November 4th 19:38

** Ugh. Fine, you win. **

_ Told you. x _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blown away by this community once again. 
> 
> I'm so thrilled at the response to chapter one, so I really hope you enjoy chapter two just as much! x


	3. Late Nights and Loose Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody can't sleep

### Text received, November 6th 01:13

Sorry to bother you. Are you awake?

**Ngk. **

**Sure.**

**What’s up?**

Oh, sorry. Go back to sleep.

** It’s fine. **

You’re sure?

**Yes. Just**

**Spill**

Well that’s just the thing. There’s nothing to spill. I’m just struggling to sleep and my mind won’t settle. 

**Is anything bothering you?**

No.

Not bothering.

I suppose I just wanted a bit of a distraction.

**Distraction?**

**Hmm.**

**Let me see what I can do.**

Okay.

**[Sent: picture]**

**[Sent: picture]**

**[Sent: picture]**

**[Sent: picture]**

**Okay, so these are the options for packaging for our new garden tools range.**

**I have my own thoughts but what do you reckon?**

Me?

**Yeah why not. Let’s call it market research. **

I’m not in the market for garden tools. 

**Well then you’re the market I really need to appeal to. **

You’re sure you want my thoughts?

**I mean, I’m not going to blindly go with whatever you say.**

**Hell, it’s just occurred to me that you could be a spy.**

**Or a mole  
For a rival company **

**Or a journalist or something**

**Fuck**

I’m none of those.

**Phew. **

I’m the head of the Society for Death to Plants. 

I’ve been sent to stop you keeping plants alive. 

You’re a danger to our work, Anthony Janthony. 

**Very funny.**

Our logo is a flower but instead of a petal falling it’s a tear drop. 

**Terrible. People will think you want to protect sad plants. You need to make plants the enemy or you’ll never get people on your side.**

**Thorns or something idk **

Oh wow, you’re right. You’re good at this. 

**I know.**

Option 3.

**Eh?**

**Oh, the pictures.**

**Why?**

You’re much clearer in that version. The other ones you’re much too small. Option 1 doesn’t even have you in it. Terrible. 

**Yeah, option 1 was my favourite.**

**Option 3 was my last choice. **

Well you know what they say

Opposites attract.

You know for markets and stuff

**Markets?**

Yes.

**Alright, Angel. **

**You sufficiently distracted?**

Not at all.

But please don’t stay up on my account. 

**Nah s’fine. Got some cereal. **

It’s 1.30 in the morning. 

**Yeah. Got peckish didn’t I?**

**[Sent: picture]**

Wow

**What?**

Your flat

**What about it?**

It’s empty

**What are you talking about?**

**I have a sofa**

**Even a coffee table.**

Yes but where are the ornaments?

**Ornaments?**

**How old do you think I am?**

I have ornaments.

**Bloody hell.**

**Let’s see them then.**

**[Sent: picture]**

**Bloody something or another.**

**Do you live in the bookshop?**

No.

I live above it

**Why are there so many books?**

**Is this how you build room divides?**

**Are you wearing tartan pajamas?**

How can you see that?

**Mirror**

Blast

**If I had to guess I would say that room belonged to an old lady intent on being crushed to death by falling stacks of Russian literature**

Excuse me, but the Dostoyevsky is kept on the landing.

**Of course it is.**

You have no idea how difficult it is spelling that right when you’re as tired as I am.

**Couldn’t do it when fully rested so you’ll bested me there.**

**Not really a reader. **

My dear boy, please tell me you’re joking?

**Nah.**

**My eyes have always struggled with staring at things for long periods of time. Never seemed worth it. **

Goodness gracious

I’m yawning quite profusely, and so I think it might be time for me to retire.

I hope you get some rest. 

**Mmmm maybe**

**Might take a bit of distracting to get there.**

Oh I’m so sorry

**I’m kidding. Go to sleep.**

Alright.

**Night**

**X**

Goodnight xx

### Text received, November 6th 10:20

Thank you for last night,

**If I didn’t know better I’d assume that was a salacious text to the wrong number.**

**Texting the wrong number is somewhat your forte after all.**

Oh hush you

You haven’t been the wrong number for a long while. 

You know perfectly well what I meant. 

**Oh I did, but my PA definitely just saw that text pop up on my phone and she doesn’t. **

You have a PA? 

**Doesn’t take a lot to impress you does it? **

I’m sorry if I’ve sullied your reputation with my careless messages.

**Oh you can hardly be to blame. Ana on the other hand has obviously been running around with loose lips?**

Ana?

**The witch.**

Oh, of course. And her loose lips?

**Telling everyone that you’re a tinder date you know how it is**

I definitely do not

**Ahah**

**Yeah**

You alright? 

**Yeah, look I’m about to go into a meeting.   
Catch you later. **

Looking forward to it.

### Text received, November 6th, 11.06

**Since when did you talk to Pepper? **

_Since you hired her. _

**Can you not go spreading idle gossip**

**Well… not idle**

**What’s the opposite of idle? **

_It was just friendly chitchat. We only want to see you happy AJ_

_And she’s the one who mentioned it. _

_Apparently your big pitch went really well the other day, and frankly I think this whole situation is good for you. _

**Efficacious!**

_What?_

**The opposite of idle. **

_Right._

_As I was saying, I think this is a good thing._

**It’s nothing.**

_It’s not nothing. _

**I’ve not even met the guy. **

_Well… why not? _

**I know you’re about 12 but did you bypass the 90s? **

**You can’t just meet a stranger off the internet - that’s basically the only thing they ever taught us about the internet. **

_Okay, but consider this_

_It’s 2019_

_You’re a 32 year old man with a teenage crush on another 32 year old man_

**If you’re not doomed to go to hell for being a witch, that kind of vitriol will get you a ticket straight to the 9th circle. **

_I love you too  
Just think about it, yeah? _

**Mm **

**Okay. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art reflects life because I have been writing this in my phone app instead of sleeping. 
> 
> I actually kind of have an idea where this is going now so we can all be excited about that.
> 
> Every time a post a chapter on here I spend the next few days with the biggest smile on my face because I cannot believe the response to this fic. I hope you're continuing to enjoy it! 
> 
> May life bring you friends like Anathema


	4. The big three emergencies

###  Text received, 6th November 23:13

** I’m going to take a punt and say you’re probably asleep and much too sensible to not use Do Not Disturb. **

**Scrap that. You probably have an actual physical alarm clock and your phone is turned off in a drawer in another room. **

**Anyway, I don’t know why I’m messaging. It’s late. I should sleep. **

###  Text received, 7th November 06:02 

Close but no cigar, I’m afraid. 

I do have a physical alarm clock and admittedly it hadn’t even occurred to me that my phone might have an alarm clock on it. 

In any case, my phone stays beside my bed just in case.

###  Text received, 7th November 09:14 

** Just in case what? **

Oh you’re awake. Good morning. 

In case of the big three emergencies. 

** Which are? **

Murderers, handsome suitors, Candy Crush lives renewing. 

** Let me get this straight. **

**You’re telling me you can’t work out how to set an alarm **

**On the app on your phone called ‘Clock’**

**But you can work out how to download and play Candy Crush? **

I like the music. 

** YOU PLAY IT WITH THE MUSIC ON?! **

The shop can get very quiet.

** Excuses. That’s irredeemable. **

**So what about the other two? **

Hmm?

** Would you say you have to deal with more murderers or handsome suitors in an average day? **

I live in London. I think that answers that question.

** You live in SoHo. Could go either way **

I’m sure the ratio is a little more balanced when you look like the physical embodiment of temptation and you have an honourary degree, but the rest of us are a lot more concerned about being offed, I assure you. 

** Ahh yes. My Tinder bio does just say “I have an honourary degree from a university you’ve never heard of”. Big lure. **

Does it? 

** No. **

What does it say? 

** “Candy Crush champion 2k19"**

Really?

** Nope. **

Are you going to tell me. 

** Not a chance. **

Okay. 

That’s fine.

I can respect that.

###  Text received, 7th November 16:44 

“You know what to do. Do it with style” 

** What the actual fuck? **

**Angel!!!**

**Have you spent all day tracking me down on Tinder? **

Yes. 

It took ages. 

** I bloody bet it did. **

I’m getting a lot of matches. What does that mean? 

** Bloody fuck. **

**It means all the people you said yes to have also said yes to you. **

I didn’t say yes to anyone. I just swiped them away until I found your profile. 

** How many matches have you got? **

37

** Lucifer. **

Is that a lot?

I like that picture of you. 

** Yes.**

**Which one? **

Oh! There’s more than one. 

Who’s the girl with you in this one? 

**[Sent: picture]**

**Ana. Witch friend. **

**That was her birthday party. It was a 70s theme. We went as our favourite musicians, obviously. **

Ah, well.

Not sure I know too much about that. 

** So you have no idea who I’m dressed up as in that picture? **

Leather trouser moustache man? 

** Save me. **

**Ana is dressed as Kate Bush (because obviously she is) and I am Freddie Mercury, rock god of Queen fame (because double obviously). **

Oh I think I’ve heard of them! 

I like her hair. She looks nice.

###  Text received, 7th November 17:20 

** I want to make him a mix tape. **

**Can you make an internet stranger a mix tape and have it not be weird?**

**Like, a “hello person I am ambivalent about. Here is some music. I don’t care if you listen to it or not” mix tape? **

_Mix tapes are a proposal in my culture. _

** And what culture is that? **

_ Big baby culture. _

** ANATHEMA**

_ Just make him a mix tape, idiot. _

** He found me on Tinder. **

_ Cute. _

** No, but Ana…**

**He specifically made a Tinder**

**Just to find me. **

**Spent hours on it. **

**And now he’s looking at my pictures. **

**He says you have good hair btw. **

_ A man of good taste. _

_But also, what? Back track. That’s bonkers._

_And definitely not something you do to someone you’re “ambivalent” about. _

_Make the mix tape. _

** Can’t be sure. **

**Just gonna die alone. **

**Bye. **

###  Text received, 8th November, 10:18 

** Did you do this? **

**[Sent: picture] **

Hmm

Your office is just as bleak as your flat. 

And to answer your question, that depends. 

** Depends on what? **

How weird you think it is that someone got so sad that you found reading books difficult that they dug out an audio book of their favourite novel (despite the awful narration - it’s the only one available), searched the address for your office and sent it to you. 

** Well.**

**You’ve always been a bit forward so I think it should really stop surprising me one of these days. **

**I’m just glad it’s not a letter bomb. **

Gracious - why would someone letter bomb you? 

** I have it on good authority that there’s a society for the destruction of all plants that wants my head. **

Oh yes, but we’re much less sneaky than all that. 

** Yes, this isn’t sneaky at all. **

Hmm… You might be right. 

If you don’t like it please don’t feel obliged to listen to it. Just donate it to a charity shop or something. 

** You really didn’t have to. **

Consider it a belated birthday gift. 

** Thank you.**

**So this is your favourite book? **

Not that one can really distinguish one favourite book when there are so many beloved options, but yes, that is certainly amongst them. 

** Okay. I suppose I’ll read it then. **

**Or**

**Listen**

**You know what I meant. **

**Just have to find something that plays a CD. **

**What is this, the past? **

Would you believe it, the people in the past actually had to read their own books? 

** Sounds terrible. **

**Class divides, high child mortality, and shitting in a bucket I can deal with.**

**But reading a book? **

**Deal breaker. **

I suppose I’ll have to find someone else to join me in my time machine. 

** Of course. It all makes sense. You’re a disgraced nuclear physicist. **

What?

** Never mind. **

###  Text received, 8th November 20:14 

** You’re right. **

In regards to…? 

** The narration of this audiobook is awful. **

Oh dear.

** I’m giving up. **

**If I have to hear his pronunciation of “holiday” one more time I’m going to resort to crime. **

Oh no, please don’t do that, my dear. 

If it stops you falling into a life of crime, perhaps I could read it to you? 

** We**

**We***

**Errr*** **

**FFS. **

**What? **

Just if you wanted me to. 

** As in**

**A phone call? **

Too old fashioned for you? 

** No.**

**I think I can manage that. **

###  Incoming call, 20:37

**“Hi”**

“Oh goodness me. That didn’t even ring.” 

**“Ha, yes. Hi. Hello” **

“Hello”

**”You sound exactly how I thought you would” **

“Oh really? You sound different”

**”What were you expecting? Scottish accent or something?”**

“Come to think of it, I’m not sure”

**”Huh”**

“Yes. 

So, er. What page are you on?”

** “Dunno. S’an audiobook. About ten minutes in.”**

“Well how about we start from the beginning? Assuming you can stand to hear it over again?”

** “I think I’ll make do”**

“Wonderful! Now just let me find my copy”

**”Oh dear”**

“What?”

**”I’ve seen your stacks. We could be here all night.”**

“There’s a method to the stacking, I assure you”

**”And what method would that be? Dewey decimal? Alphabetical? Genre? Read and unread?” **

“Colour”

**”Colour?” **

“Yes”

** “That might be the worst method. How are you meant to know what colour the book you’re looking for is?”**

“Well I’d know wouldn’t I?” 

**”Would you? And what if someone else wanted to find something?” **

“They should stop rooting around my books. 

I like your laugh,”

**”I hope you don’t carry this so called method into your bookshop. **

**You do, don’t you?” **

“People like it. It helps them to pick up a book they would have never thought of reading.”

**”Yeah, because they can’t find the one they’re bloody looking for.”**

“Well, that’s neither here nor there. 

I’ve found it!”

**”And the sound of things falling over in the background is nothing to do with the fact that you just dislodged a massive great tome from the bottom of one stack and it’s all collapsed?”**

“No comment” 

**”Remind me never to play Jenga with you.“**

“Noted. Are you comfortable?”

**”Yep. Chilling in my lounge”**

“Your bleak lounge?”

**”My stylish and modern bachelor pad”**

“Okay, bear with me. I’ve got the kettle on. I’m making coco.” 

**”Of course you are”**

“Let me guess. You’re a coffee, black, kind of person? Make it Irish at 9am?”

**”Ahh yes you’ve caught me. I’m the protagonist of a 50s detective film. Although in that scenario I think that makes you the kidnap victim” **

“That’s a shame. Did I not have my phone on hand to call the police?” 

**”Nope”**

“Oh dear. So that means no Candy Crush whilst I wait to be rescued?”

**”None.”**

“No wonder these damsels were willing to settle for grumpy old men. Absolutely nothing else to do. Okay, l have my coco, I am settled. Are you ready?” 

**”Mmm”**

###  Text received, 8th December 23:20

** He rang me**

_ What? _

** Yep. **

**He read to me. **

_ You’re kidding?_

** Nope. **

_ Wow, I need a boyfriend. _

** He’s not my boyfriend. **

_ No. He’s just a guy who rings you in the middle of the night to read you to sleep. _

** He didn’t ring me in the middle of the night. **

_ No? _

** He rang at about 8. **

**We just spoke until the middle of the night. **

**Important distinction. **

_ Jesus, Crowley. _

_That’s good though. Are you going to meet him? Give him a little mix tape? _

** Don’t know. Don’t ask me things. **

**What about you? Still talking to that guy from the cafe? **

_ Yeah._

_I don’t know. _

_How much can you really trust a man who works in an internet cafe? _

_I’ve invited him to the book launch though. _

** Well, that’s a step. **

_ Yeah._

_And we’ve met in person so that’s good. _

** Get off my back. **

_ I really think you should just ask him._

** Yes, I know what you think. **

**I’m going to bed.**

_ Sleep tight. Dream of the thing you like most. _

_;) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a while, my dudes. Hopefully the unending softness makes up for that a little bit! 
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone who had read and commented and kudos'd. Writing these fics has been the most enjoyable writing experience for me, and that's thanks to this lovely wholesome little community. 
> 
> What book do you think they were reading in this?


	5. Stakeholders and snake smoulders

###  Text received, 9th November, 10:34

Are you okay? 

** What? **

It’s just that I’ve been staring at the little dots appearing and disappearing for the last twenty minutes. 

** What?! **

**Why didn’t you say something sooner? Good morning or whatever it is people say these days. **

Well at first I thought you’d just made a typo, and after that, every time the message went blank and I’d think to start typing, the dots would appear and I’d wait to see what you wanted to say. 

I hope it wasn’t anything important? 

** Ugh. **

**I was just trying to work out how to say good morning. **

Hmm.

Why didn’t you say something sooner? Good morning or whatever it is people say these days. 

** Ha ha. **

**Your wit has slain me **

Let’s start again shall we?

** Okay **

…

** … **

This is the part where you say good morning. 

** I thought you were going to! **

**It was your bloody idea. **

Good morning. 

** N’yeah. Hello.**

**I hope I didn’t keep you up too late? **

Now who’s sending salacious texts to the wrong number? 

** I’ve been doing that this whole time, Angel. **

Oh. 

Goodness. 

So what are you up to this morning? 

** In a meeting. **

That’s early for you. 

** Stakeholders, blah blah. Yawn fest. **

That sounds important. Shouldn’t you be paying more attention? 

** Nah. This is why I have interns. **

I don’t think that’s what interns are for. 

** This one is. He makes awful coffee but is very good at covering for me, so it balances out. **

I always thought the idea of a meeting sounded quite fun. 

Gathering your notebooks. Discussing things. Having colleagues! 

** I cannot fathom how you could possibly think that. **

**Do you not have colleagues? **

**Have you never had colleagues?! **

No, it’s just me. I do think I’d quite enjoy the company. 

** For all of two seconds, until you realise that either someone else has hired someone totally inept, who you dislike deeply and you end up doing half of their work too, or you get to the point where you’re the owner of the company, can hire who you want and you still just have to hire the best of the bad lot who apply, and not just someone you like. Awful bunch. **

They can’t all be that bad. 

** Oh they are. Buy me a drink one day and ask me about Bee from Accounts. **

Well, what about your interns? 

** hmm… don’t count. **

Why not? 

** Cause I said so. **

Of course.

###  Text received, 9th November, 12:36 

** Italian or Sushi? **

Pardon?

** About to book a lunch date and I’m not exactly big on food. **

**What do people generally prefer? **

Sushi. 

** You sure? **

Yes. 

** Great, cheers. **

###  Text received, 9th November, 21:44

** Good evening. **

I hope that message didn’t take you twenty minutes to decide upon. 

** Very funny. **

**Though I have had some wine so we’re all just lucky I spelled the whole thing correctly. **

Congratulations. 

So your date went well? 

** Date? **

**Oh! Lunch? That wasn’t a date - it was a meeting with one of our new freelancers to discuss the marketing of the new range. **

**Frightfully dull**

**And sushi is awful by the way. Hardly ate a thing, which is probably why I’m half gone on two glasses of cheap red wine. **

Oh! Well, I’m frightfully sorry but you couldn’t be more wrong. 

Sushi is an acquired taste. 

** Yes, one I shall never acquire.**

**Unless, like cheap wine, it becomes more and more bearable the more you have. Though I will never get that stage because unless it’s drenched in Sake it’s not worth the effort. **

You’re rather loquacious when you’ve been drinking. 

Is this more drinks with friends? 

** Nope. Ana cancelled on me, so it’s just me. **

**Loquaciious **

**Big word**

**You know big words. **

I am surrounded by them all day. 

** By that logic I know a lot of big bastards. **

**I do. **

**I had a dream about you last night.**

You did?

** Yup.**

**You were dancing the gavotte.**

Naturally. 

I suppose you’re more of a disco dancer?

** I’ve been known to dabble.**

So what else happened in this dream of yours? 

** We got tea. **

Tea?

** Yes. Tea at the Ritz. **

Oh. 

And I danced the Gavotte? 

** Through the streets of London. **

That sounds nice. 

** Nice is a four letter word. **

Well observed. 

Are you okay? Lots of appearing and disappearing dots again. Forgotten the words good and night? 

** Do you want to? **

Want to what? 

** Get tea. **

**At the Ritz. **

Would this be together? 

** Doesn’t have to be tea, doesn’t have to be the Ritz. **

**But yes**

**I was thinking maybe I’d be there too. **

**And you.**

**I suppose you could describe that as together. **

Oh

Oh, my dear. 

I'm awfully sorry but it just might be a tad too fast for me? Right now?

I really am sorry. 

** Right. No. Of course. **

**Sorry. **

**It’s late. Past your bedtime, Angel. Ngiht. **

Oh, okay. 

Goodnight, Crowley. 

Sleep well.

###  Text received, 10th November, 09:45 

** Hi Adam. Not coming into work today. Cover for me. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello it's me and my hobby is adding 'You go too fast for me' into everything ever. 
> 
> Shoutout to me for getting just as nervous typing this scene as Crowley was in it. 
> 
> As always I really hope you're enjoying the story, please do let me know!! More should be on its way soon. 
> 
> x


	6. Moods Incarnate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boy is one big mood

### Text received, 11th November 09:16

Good morning. I hope you’re well.

### Text received, 12th November 11:40

_ Oi, pick up the phone. _

_Anthony J Crowley_

_Stop moping and answer my calls. _

_Fine. You asked for it. _

_I’m coming over. _

** Ugh. No. Don’t bother. I’m alive. Leave me be. **

_ What’s wrong? _

** What makes you say anything is wrong? **

**Maybe I just can’t stand talking to you. **

_ Oh wow, let’s see: _

_You’re defensive, haven’t sent me forty texts talking about your little crush, Pepper says you’ve called in sick two days running. _

_So either you’re dead, hungover, or moping. _

_And you don’t get two-day hangovers. _

** Tell Pepper she’s fired. **

_ Nope. _

_Now tell me what’s wrong. _

** You’re fired too. **

_ I don’t work for you._

** Damn right you don’t. I fired you. **

_ Are you drunk? _

** No **

_ It’s midday. _

** Yeah, in London it is. **

_ Are you not in London? _

** [Sent: location] **

_ ANTHONY! _

_What the hell are you doing in Italy? _

_(I’d also like to point out the mere one hour time difference. _

** Cheaper wine here. **

_ You flew to Italy for cheaper wine? _

** Don’t be ridiculous.**

**I got the train. **

_ What happened? _

** Went to the train station. Exchanged money for ticket. Got on train. Got off train. Got on new train. Got wine.**

_ … _

** Don’t dot dot dot me. **

**I’m an adult, I’ll have you know. **

**I can do whatever I want**

**At whatever speed I deem appropriate. **

_ Anthony, please tell me how I can help you right now. _

** UGHHHHHHHhhhhHHHHhhhhhhHhhhHhhhhhhHHHh**

**Don’t be earnest. **

**I’m fine. **

**Really. **

**Just need some time away.**

**I suggested a meeting to the wrong number and it didn’t go well. **

_ Oh, AJ I’m really sorry. That’s naturally very disappointing. _

_On those grounds I will allow exactly one more day of drinking and then I expect you back here for lunch. _

_Kapeesh? _

** Ka-poo you. **

### Text received, 12th November 16:17

Hello my dear. I do hope you’re well.

I hope the incident the other day was no big deal. 

Not that I think I’m a big deal of course. 

More of a speculative worry than anything else. 

I don’t know what I’m saying. 

You just disappeared. 

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’m awfully sorry. I valued our texts very much and these last few days of silence have shed a light on just how mundane things were prior to them. I can understand if you would rather end our confabulations but I sincerely need you to know that I do not. 

** Confabulations? **

Oh! Hello! 

It means conversations. 

Discussions. 

** Ah. **

How have you been?

** Good. Busy. Work trip to Rome. **

Oh, busy - yes I should have suspected!

Rome is awfully nice, though. Have you enjoyed it? 

** You don’t strike me as someone who has ever left London, never mind gone to Rome. **

I’ve done my share of travelling around. 

I even took a gap year, I’ll have you know. 

** You? Took a gap year? **

I did. 

Long story. 

** I have a bit of time. **

Well, in that case.

Truth be told I was teetering on the verge of joining the clergy. I wasn’t wholly convinced the step was right for me, and took a year to find some answers. I went to Jerusalem, to Rome, to Egypt. 

** And? **

And what?

** Did you find answers? **

The man who seeks answers will only ever find more questions. 

But I did find something else. 

** Yourself? **

Golly no, though after all that pasta I was certainly easier to spot. 

I found art and literature. 

Rome is splendid for that. 

** I wouldn’t know. **

**Good wine though.**

I’ll toast to that.

### Text received, 13th November 15:45

_ When does your train get in? _

** Why? **

_ You’re so suspicious. _

_Has anyone ever told you that you’re very suspicious. _

_Learn to trust people. _

** What do you want? **

_ I need your help. _

** What with? **

_ I need an outfit for the book launch. _

** That’s tomorrow. **

_ Yes, which is why we need to go today. _

** How do you not have an outfit yet? **

_ I was waiting for the right time. _

_Which is today - as good as ever._

** 16:03 **

_ Brilliant. I’m already at the station. _

** How did you manage that? **

_ Been here all day. _

** So instead of shopping you’ve been waiting for me to go shopping? **

_ Yes. Didn’t you hear me? I need your help, not your company. _

_I’m launching a book. I need to look esteemed, and let’s face it - no one knows how to cultivate a persona quite like you, Janthony. _

_Oh, I see you. _

** Where are you? **

_ Outside Pret. _

** Good. I need coffee. **

### Text received, 13th November 21:31

_ [Sent: picture]  
[Sent: picture] _

** Yes. You look lovely. Can I go to sleep now? I have jet lag. **

_ The hour time difference that tough on you? _

** More your company. **

_ I have not missed your moods these past few weeks. _

** Moods? **

**I don’t have moods!**

_ You are moods incarnate. _

_Now if you don’t mind, I have a book launch tomorrow._

** Yes, well. Good luck with that. **

_ You’re not coming? _

** Of course I’m coming.**

**I’m just going to be late. **

**And I might get arrested or something so I can’t really make any promises. **

_ Haha. _

_Not funny. I need you there. _

** Of course I’m going to be there, idiot. **

**Now go to sleep. You have jet lag, remember? **

_ That’s you. _

** Oh yes.**

**Yawn. **

### Text received, 13th November 11:51

** You up? **

Yes!

Hello!

** Hi.**

**I’m confused. **

**If Dumbledore says no one should go to the Forbidden Forrest why is he sending a bunch of first years there for detention?**

You’re reading it on your own? 

** I was curious. Couldn’t sleep. I have jet lag.**

You were in Rome, how the devil do you have jet lag? 

So, this will become apparent but Dumbledore tends to forget about his duty of care rather a lot.

A staggering amount. 

There’s really no way that man would pass an enhanced DBS check these days. 

And quite frankly, nor would half the staff of Hogwarts. 

** You're fun at parties, aren’t you? **

It is already well established that I am the kind to lock myself in an airing cupboard with a stash of wine at parties.

** Stolen wine. **

Borrowed. 

I returned it. 

** With water.**

**And unless your gap year revealed that you were really an angel or Jesus himself, I don’t think that counts. **

**Why are you still up?**

Couldn’t sleep. 

** A lot of that going around. **

Yes.

You’re dot dot dotting me again.

** Suppose I should say goodnight then. **

**Night. **

Oh, okay.

Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super slow update my dudes, and for that I apologise. Hopefully I will not be so slow with the next one, but we know how those promises turn out. 
> 
> My brain is mush, but can we all just have a friend like Anathema please? 
> 
> As ever, I really hope you enjoyed the chapter! xx


	7. Wrong numbers all the way down

### Text received, 14th November 08:15

Hello Gabriel, please could you let mother know I’ll drop those things off this weekend?

** I thought we covered this weeks ago.**

**Not Gabe.**

**Crowley.**

Oh dear me. What an accidental mishap. Well, I do apologise for sending you that message, which was intended for Gabriel, of course. 

How have you been?

###  Text received, 14th November 08:23 

** He’s ‘Sorry, sent to wrong person’ing me. **

_ A classic move. _

** A ridiculous move. **

_ It’s sweet! _

** I’m starting to see how that internet cafe boy had such an easy job winning you over. **

###  Text received, 14th November 08:30

** Hold on a second, Gabe is your brother? **

Yes, didn’t I mention? 

** I didn’t realise you had siblings. **

Oh yes, I come from a very big family. Ten brothers.

** What’s that like? **

Fine. 

Truth be told, it can get quite lonely at times. 

** How can you be lonely with ten brothers? **

And you? Any siblings? 

** Nope. **

What’s that like? 

** Lonely. **

**This really isn’t a conversation to have before 9am**

I must say I’m quite impressed you’re up already. 

Must be the jetlag, eh? 

** Busy day. **

Already off to work? Or are you travelling the globe again? 

** Not exactly. **

**[Sent: picture] **

Why is your face blue? 

** It’s a facemask, Angel. **

Oh.

I’ve heard of those! 

Why are you wearing it? 

** Big day, and a very big evening. **

**Gotta look my best. **

Oh.

** How about you? Up to much today? **

Big thing tonight, also. 

** Sounds fun. **

Yes, it should be. 

** Great. Have a good one. **

You too.

###  Text received, 14th November 10:58 

** Right, I’m about to go into the meeting so you probably won’t hear from me until later. I’ll only be about ten minutes late (London traffic permitting) but if I don’t talk to you before good luck.**

_ Good luck to you! Hope the big meeting goes okay. Xx_

###  Text received, 14th November 14:31 

** Okay, but why does he bother with the whole ‘sorry wrong number’ thing? **

**He’s the one who didn’t want to meet. **

**And I’m pretty sure he’s got a date later so? **

_ Aren’t you meant to be in a meeting right now? _

** Yes, fine. **

###  Text received, 14th November 15:13 

** It’s just weird, you have to admit it. **

**But, do you know what? **

**It’s not my problem. **

**Plenty of angels in the sea and all that. **

_ You sound totally over it. _

** I am. **

###  Text received, 14th November 15:27 

** [Sent: Picture] **

_ Is that…_

** An angel fish, yes. **

**Just illustrating my point. **

###  Text received, 14th November 15:54 

** Fine! I’ll admit it. **

**But he’s cute okay?! **

Sorry, I don’t follow? 

** Fuck. **

**Wrong number. **

**Sorry. **

###  Text received, 14th November 15:56 

** Fucking**

**Shit**

**Bollocks. **

_ Meeting going well? _

** Er, think so. **

**But it’s not that. **

**I’m on the loo. **

_ Need me to tell Pepper to bring you more toilet roll again? _

** No, shut up. That happened once. **

**I sent the message to the wrong number. **

_ What? _

** I sent a message**

**Intended for YOU**

**To HIM. **

_ That’s a bit hypocritical. _

** I didn’t do it on purpose, did I?! **

_ How did that happen then? _

** … **

**I was reading. **

_ Are you sure that was an accident? There wasn’t a little part of you that wanted to send the message? _

** Don’t you have a book launch to get ready for? **

_ Don’t you have a department store to schmooze? _

###  Text received, 14th November 18:09

** WE FUCKING DID IT!!! **

_ I knew you would! _

** You write one book about prophecies and suddenly you think you’re a fucking fortune teller. **

_ I don’t need to be a witch to know you’re brilliant. _

** This is hate speech. I’m going to block you. **

_ Fine, you’re awful, but get your scrawny ass here and join my throngs of fans. I go on in twenty minutes. _

** Yes, yes. I’m on my way, lower your heckles **

_ You had better not be texting and driving. _

** Alas, my crime is far greater. **

**I’m on the tube. **

_ Wow. _

_You must really love me. _

_So wonderful._

_Kind. Thoughtful. Lovely._

** NO.**

**THIS IS LIBLE. **

**(Good luck!) **

###  Draft: last edited 14th November 18:30 

** Aziraphale.  
Nope. Too formal. **

**Azi?  
Too informal. **

**Fine.**

**Fine. Punish me the way I deserve. **

**Angel. **

**Angel,  
I just wanted to say I was sorry?  
Upset?  
No.  
Heartbroken.  
Stop being dramatic, you absolute tosser. **

**Angel.  
I’m sorry for my recent absence on text.  
Lucifer I’m starting to sound like you. **

**Bastard.  
Stop stringing me along. **

**Angel.  
I’m sorry for suggesting the Ritz out of the blue.**

**Angel**

**Ugh**

**How can you be an angel? If there was a god she’d surely allow me the dignity of meeting you in a normal way, like in a bar, or a haunted house or a fender bender involving my car and the vintage bicycle I’m certain you have.  
But no. I just get this. No justice or dignity. There are idiots who get to see you every single day, who meet you and don’t realise how lucky they are for it.  
I get the sense that none of this should have happened at all. A mistake of the universe, a piece of code put in wrong, and then…  
This. **

**Angel,  
I’m pretty sure you’re on a date right now, and I’m going to a stupid book launch so this all seems very backwards and unfair.  
I can’t even tell you about it and I bet you’d have something dorky and ridiculous to say about it all.  
“Book launches these days are so mundane. Back in my day, Oscar Wilde’s book launches were a riot - blowjobs going on until the early hours of the morning”.  
Or  
Something like that.  
Ahem.  
I can’t even text Ana about it because it’s her bloody book and she’s got bigger things to worry about right now, which is ridiculously seeing as the world does actually revolve around my problems.  
So yes  
I’m writing texts to no one.  
On the blasted tube of all place.  
Piccadilly line though.  
Your favourite. **

###  Text received, 14th November 18:45 

** I’m here. **

**Very good author voice, I must say. **

###  Text received, 14th November 19:35 

_ Hi! I’m just out the back grabbing a tea. _

_How do you think it went? _

** It was a book reading. People listened. Success. **

_ Are people buying copies? _

** I just whispered “I heart they didn’t order enough copies of the book for everyone” so people are mad rushing to the tills. You’re welcome. **

_ Is that fraud? _

** I don’t know. **

**How do I get some of that free champagne? **

**Never mind. I stole it. **

**You’re taking your time. **

_ Sorry. My publisher is just introducing me to some people. Be out in ten. _

** Ten minutes? **

**What am I meant to do in a bookshop for ten minutes? **

_ Make friends? Browse? _

** I’ve resorted to a game I call “how many glasses of champagne can I steal?” **

**I’m rather brilliant at this game.**

###  Text received, 14th November 20:01 

Good evening, Anthony. I’m certain I’m misinformed, but on the off chance that I am not would you do me a favour and please turn around?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of times I have typed received for this fic and yet I still cannot spell it correctly. At this point I think my brain is just refusing to know it on principal. 
> 
> So yes, a very slow response, but everyone's comments are literally the reason I kicked my butt into gear to update so thank you all so so so much. I've already started the next chapter, so hopefully it won't be so long of a gap (but I say that a lot). 
> 
> Also, top marks for the people who saw this bad boy coming. 
> 
> Not much direct Aziraphale/ Crowley interaction in this one, but I can assure you that will change for the next chapter.
> 
> Love you all, hope you're keeping safe and well in these very end-of-days times! 
> 
> :) x


	8. Statues that come to life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley turns around.

###  Text received, 15th November07:03 

_ So_

_Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday? _

** I have no idea what you mean. **

_ Anthony, for all that is good and right with the world, do not toy with me _

** Give me ten minutes. Need coffee. **

_ Fine. _

_It’s been ten minutes._

_Anthony._

_ANTHONY! _

** Right, I’m back**

**What’s up? **

_ What’s up?_

_Only the fact that you bailed from the most important party of your life yesterday with someone who looked remarkably like a certain fair-haired internet stranger_

_Oh, and you drank two bottles of champagne by yourself. _

** I stole the last page out of a few books, too**

**Just if we’re listing my crimes **

_ Anthony, my darling best friend. _

_You’re going to have to spill the proverbial beans before I lose my mind. _

_Start from the beginning. _

** Ugh, fine**

**So, you were taking an eternity to rejoin said party, and you know bookshelves make me nervous **

_ I’m sure the champagne helped. _

** Oh, it did. **

**So there I am, minding my own business; defacing a few books, signing others like an author let loose in the Heathrow WHSmith and enjoying the general festivities of free champagne. **

**Which is when I received the text. **

_ From your…? _

** Aziraphale, yes. **

_ What did it say? _

** He told me to turn around **

_ Right _

** So I did **

_ Right…_

_And then what?! _

** He was there. **

**Loves books about prophecies apparently and had been waiting for this one for some time **

_ Aww! I love him! _

_So wait, you didn’t invite him? _

** Nope. **

**I thought he was on a date, remember? **

**And he actually thought I was on a date too**

**Bit of a misunderstanding there **

_ And how did it go? _

** Bit awkward **

_ Bit awkward?_

_Is that it? _

_You’ve been pining over this guy like a teenager for weeks_

_And finally, you meet him in a moment of utter ineffable destiny _

_And it was a bit awkward?! _

** You have no sense of drama do you? **

**I’ll get there. **

**It was a bit awkward**

**Because**

**You know how I feel when I’m talking to people in general? **

_ Angry?_

_Bored?_

_Mildly sick? _

** Right on all accounts**

**Well… I wasn’t **

_ Wow _

** Yes**

**It was just nice**

**He kind of stuttered out his reason for being there and I did mine**

**And then we were a bit quiet**

**Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to be there and to see him (side note: remember when we saw the Statue of David in person for the first time?) but I knew he was the one with reservations about it all and I didn’t want to push or assume or whatever**

**Like… he hadn’t wanted to meet and then we did**

**So I let him take the lead**

**Which basically left us standing in the poetry section of a bookshop for about five hours staring at each other **

_ Right…_

** And then he said**

**“I’m so very pleased to meet you” **

**Just all stuffy and old fashioned **

_ !!!!! _

** Here’s the thing**

**And I will punish you with tortures even you don’t have the imagination for if you tell anyone I said this**

**I knew he was smart and funny and a bit of a bastard and utterly gorgeous **

**But **

**Being in his space is completely different **

**Radiant, almost **

_ Definitely over him then? _

** Shut up. **

###  Text received, 15th November 07:20 

** Good morning **

Oh! Dear me, I wasn’t expecting you to be up so early. 

** Couldn’t sleep **

No, I can’t say I slept terribly well either. 

You know, I was anticipating having to wait three days to get any kind of message from you. 

** What? Why? **

That’s the rule, isn’t it? 

** What are you? 12? **

I’m 32. 

** Ah, well I’m 33 now. And with that maturity I have realised that I don’t have time for playing these games. My biological clock is ticking. **

Yes, indeed. Unwed at your age? Practically a spinster. 

** Practically. **

###  Text received, 15th November 07:32 

_ So then what? _

** Oh **

**Well, as you know, you showed up at some point but were being ambushed by your doting crowd of fans (had I mentioned how proud of you I am? Idk well done you) **

_ ahh yes, I remember that part very well. _

** So there we were, surrounded by Keats and Plath and he had just said “I’m so very pleased to meet you” **

**And of course I was two bottles of champagne in **

_ You kissed him?! _

** Lucifer, Ana**

**Calm down, I was drunk not an animal **

**No, I asked him if he wanted to take a walk **

_ That’s very PG of you_

_So then what? _

** We walked**

**Didn’t really have a route or destination in mind**

**Ended up in Berkeley Square **

_ And THEN you kissed? _

** Calm down, Ana. **

**No.**

**We just sat on the bench and chatted. **

**Nothing salacious. Nothing friends wouldn’t do. **

_ Friends who are not-so-secretly in love with each other? _

** Ngk.**

**In love? **

**I’ve met him once.**

**I’ve known him for 2 weeks**

**I’m not even sure he’s actually into guys? **

**Plus he’s…**

**Idk**

**He’s**

**Nice? **

**Can you really see me with a nice person? **

_ Are these reasons why you’re not in love with him or reasons you shouldn’t be? _

** Wha**

**ANA**

**Stop, please **

_ Lmao _

###  Text received, 15th November 08:15 

I hate to bring it up before you’ve even had a chance to digest your breakfast, but I was right. 

** Sounds fake. **

**To what are you referring? **

The snake most certainly did wink at Harry. 

** SNAKES DON’T HAVE EYELIDS. THIS IS A SCANDAL. **

That’s what the book says. Unless you’re suggesting the book is wrong? 

** Angel, all I am saying is that the snake COULD NOT have winked at Harry because snaked CANNOT wink. Nor can they read, if we’re being pedantic. **

I must say, now that I’ve seen you saying that in real life, I like it a lot more. 

** What? **

angel

** It bothered you before? **

Oh, no. Not bothered. 

I just thought it was silly. 

** And now? **

…

** You have to tell me, else it’s entrapment. **

… I don’t think that’s … a thing 

** It is, I promise. **

Well

I suppose that there’s just something about your voice saying the words and your mouth forming them that makes it more than the word itself.

Do you understand that? 

** Err, I guess I could imagine that, yeah **

I apologise if that was a bit forwards.

###  Draft: last edited 15th November 08:42 

** Don’t. Don’t apologise. Not for that. **

**Be forward with me, please. **

**Take an inch. Take a mile. Take it all. **

**You’ll never go too fast for me. **

###  Text received, 15th November 08:44 

**That’s alright.**

###  Text received, 15th November 08:46 

_ So are you going to see him again? _

** I don’t know **

_ It sounds like it went well? What’s up? _

** Something weird happened. **

**We were walking and chatting and it was all great. Easy, you know? **

**And then all of a sudden some built-like-a-brick-shit-house, jaw line in a trench coat approaches us and greets Aziraphale. **

_ Sounds cute. _

** No. Not cute. **

**The opposite of cute. **

**Picture a statue coming to life but with no life in it whatsoever. Like an evil mannequin. **

**That was this guy. **

_ A golem, perhaps? _

** His brother. **

_ Ah. _

** Gabe. **

_ The intended recipient of the text! _

** Yup. **

_ So why is that a problem? _

** I don’t even know**

**It’s just weird**

**The whole mood changed. **

**He introduced me as ‘a patron of the shop’, put about five meters between us for the entire conversation and scurried off as soon as he possibly could. **

_ Weird. _

** Yeah **

_ Well, you can hardly hold that against him. It’s not like you get on with your family. _

** That’s not what’s grating on me. **

**The rest of the walk was weird, in a weird way.**

**Quiet**

**Difficult**

**Like there was suddenly something there that wasn’t before and I don’t know what. **

_ Hmmm _

** Yes, hmm **

_ Then what? _

** Then I dropped him off at his bookshop **

_ Did you… _

** I really wanted to. **

**We stood there in front of the door to his flat and I thought ‘huh, maybe I should go for it’ but he was just staring down at his feet and I just couldn’t stop thinking that I shouldn’t go too fast. **

**Then he looked up, smiled and said ‘goodbye’ **

**Not ‘see you soon’ **

**Not ‘we should do this again’ **

**Not ‘come upstairs and make languorous love to me’**

**‘Goodbye’. **

_ Eeesh. _

** Yup. **

**And the worst part of it all is that this morning it’s like everything is back to normal. **

_ That’s bad because… _

** I don’t want it to be normal, Ana**

**I want it to be how it was yesterday **

_ Oh, my little lamb. _

_So what are you going to do? _

** The way I see it, I have two options. **

_ If either of those are getting on a train to Italy to drink you had better invite me this time. _

** Okay, three options. **

**1\. Go to Italy and drink **

_ With me. _

** With you. **

**2\. Wait 8000 years for him to come around and decide what he wants and hope to every deity that he wants me. **

_ 3? _

** Move on. **

_ And what do you want to do? _

** I want you to use your powers of prophecy to tell me what’s going to happen so I don’t have to make a decision **

_ That’s not how it works. _

** I know. **

**I’ll settle for advice. **

_ Oh wow, Anthony Janthony Crowley asking for advice from another person? _

_It’s a miracle. _

** I rescind my request. Going to Italy alone. Bye **

_ Don’t you dare. _

_I think you know what you have to do. _

** Yeah. **

**Don’t wanna tho **

_ I know. _

_But you can’t put yourself through this forever _

** Yeah**

**I hate it when you’re right. **

_ I’m always right _

###  Text received, 15th November 10:30 

** I think we need to talk **

Oh

What a frightful message

Is everything okay? 

** Yes**

**Yesterday was great **

**But I don’t think we should do this anymore. **

Do what? 

** The flirting**

**The jokes**

**The wondering if you’ll ever want more than that**

**I want so much more than that and it’s not fair on you**

**I would never want you to feel like you had to give more than you were comfortable with.**

**So I think perhaps we should be friends. **

Right

Of course

That sounds splendid

** Brilliant. **

###  Text received, 15th November 10:46 

** It’s done **

_ Proud of you _

** Ugh **

_ Want to go to Bella Italia and get drunk on carbs? _

** Yes **

_ I’ll meet you there at 12! _

** Right **

_ I love you, AJ. _

** Psh.**

**Ily2 **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lord forgive me for becoming so overwhelmed by the Crowley/Anathema friendship. 
> 
> Anathema is me living vicariously through my messy pals (except she's a published author but we'll get there lads). 
> 
> I actually know where this is going now, and I PROMISE you it won't all be doom and gloom. I hope you're enjoying it - your comments are literally getting me through this silly little quarantine and are the sole reason I have any creative energy at all so thank you all. 
> 
> <3


	9. Neville Freaking Longbottom

###  Text received, 20th November 19:03 

** I finished the book!**

The whole series? Congratulations! 

**No**

**Just the first one **

…

** Don’t judge me**

Not judging

** You are **

Okay, maybe a little

What did you think? 

** Silly kids book **

You’re already on the second one, aren’t you? 

** You said there was a big snake in it. **

You’re going to love it

###  Text received, 21st November 15:33 

** For the record, what Hogwarts house would you be in? **

Hufflepuff

** … for real? **

What would you have guessed? 

** Filthy Gryffindor maybe **

Gryffindor’s are brave 

What about you?

** …**

**……….**

**…………….**

**Really? **

**Cool Goth aesthetics, snakes and bad attitudes? **

**I’m obviously a Hufflepuff too **

Ahhh of course, how foolish of me

###  Text received, 1st December 17:01 

[Sent: picture] 

** What’s this? **

It’s a trowel

With your face on the packaging

** Yes, I know that**

**Why are you sending me pictures of my own face? **

You picked option 3.

** I was outnumbered **

I like it

I’m getting one

** You don’t have a garden **

I’ll get one of those too, then

###  Text received, December 8th 19:01 

** They killed the big snake. **

**I’m enraged. **

On behalf of Harry, Ron and Hermione, I'm very sorry.

###  Text received, December 15th 12:30 

** Did you do this? **

**[Sent: picture] **

Maybe

** I love it **

I’m glad

Everyone needs their Hogwarts scarf

** Are you saying you have a bright red one? **

I’m a Hufflepuff! 

** You have a yellow one?! **

[Sent: picture] 

** Ridiculous **

###  Text received, December 25th 08:00 

Merry Christmas! 

** You too **

What are your plans for the day? 

** Same thing I do every Christmas, pinkie. Drinking with Ana (who celebrates the solstice rather than the Christian tradition), eat lots of food, fall asleep watching a bad film in the middle of the day, wake up and drink some more. **

**We’ve made quite a good start on the festivities I must say**

**How about oyu? **

I’m at the family home

It’s all very traditional 

** No presents until after the Queen’s speech? **

No presents, as such

** WHAT?**

**It’s Christmass **

Gifts are superfluous to enjoying the spirit of the holiday 

** Bollocksss **

**Ssss all about giftsss **

###  Text received, December 25th 17:01 

I don’t suppose you’re watching this? 

** What? **

ITV

** Ss’ Barry potter **

It is

** I’m gon knit you a jumper**

**Little Christmas boy **

Pardon? 

** Ss Christmas**

**N you’re lonely **

What makes you say that? 

** I am too **

###  Text received, 26th December 14:05 

** Fuck**

**Sorry about yesterday, that was uncalled for.**

**Although, in my defense, it’s exactly what a Slytherin would do **

That’s very true.

Nothing to worry about

###  Text received, 30th December 10:15 

Thank you for the gift. It arrived this morning. 

** eh. Drunk purchase. You’re welcome. Merry Christmas **

That’s very kind. 

** S’what mates are for **

###  Text received, 31st December 23:58 

** Ask me where I’m going to be in 2 minutes? **

….

Where are you going to be in 2 minutes? 

** idk I don’t have 2020 vision **

###  Text received, 1st January 00:00 

You’re terrible 

** HNY **

HNY? 

** Happy New Year, dingus **

Oh

Happy new year

I hope this year brings everything you want 

** It won’t **

###  Text received, 6th January 09:13 

You’re on the news!

Of course, you probably already know that.

###  Text received, 6th January 09:31 

** Well observed. How did I do? **

I’m quite ready to put my new trowel to use in some new years resolution gardening.

** Yeah, it’s not exactly news is it? Some chump talking about gardening **

People like gardening. 

** You don’t**

No, but… others do I think 

** My twitter feed says yes**

Goodness. I just took a look. 

**Bad idea. Twitter is a hellscape**

What’s a thirst trap? Is that a plant watering device?

** Not exactly. **

They seem to like you. 

** What can I say. This is why I’m on the packaging**

###  Text received, 8th January 18:54 

How’re you getting on with the books? 

** I fucking hate Umbridge. **

**She had better die. **

Ah, yes, she’s a bit of a terror, isn’t she?

###  Text received, 11th January 22:12 

** I’ve finished Half Blood Prince **

That’s very speedy 

** I’ve had a lot of spare time **

Only one to go! 

** I'm not going to read it **

Why on Earth not? 

** Don’t want it to be over **

Oh dear, that’s understandable

I get the same with a lot of stories. 

** Not the story**

**This **

This?

** Having an excuse to talk to you **

Oh

** I’m sorry**

**I know this borders on everything I said I couldn’t do anymore but I’m not there yet**

**Nowhere close actually**

**And getting to have these moments with you about this dumb book is really all there is left**

**So I can’t read it. I don’t want it to be done **

How about if I read you the first chapter?

###  [Incoming call, 11th January 22:34]

“Hello” 

**”Hi”**

“Sitting comfortably?” 

**”Don’t have to make cocoa?”**

“I already have one made up, actually” 

**”Of course you do” **

“I’ve missed your voice” 

**”You too” **

“Ready?” 

** “Yeah”**

###  Text received, 11th January 23:34 

** Chapter two tomorrow? **

Certainly.

###  Call log: 

** 12th January; 22:00 - 51 minutes - Angel  
13th January; 22:01 - 79 minutes - Angel  
14th January; 21:50 - 122 minutes - Angel  
15th January; 22:00 - 90 minutes - Angel  
16th January; 22:06 - 40 minutes - Angel  
17th January; 22:00 - 75 minutes - Angel  
18th January; 22:00 - 112 minutes - Angel  
19th January; 22:01 - 103 minutes - Angel  
20th January; 21:30 - 65 minutes - Angel  
21st January; 21:33 - 147 minutes - Angel  
22nd January; 21:32 - 50 minutes - Angel  
23rd January; 22:01 - 61 minutes - Angel  
24th January; 22:02 - 92 minutes - Angel  
25th January; 22:00 - 41 minutes - Angel  
26th January; 22:00 - 128 minutes - Angel  
27th January; 21:59 - 127 minutes - Angel  
28th January; 21:58 - 104 minutes - Angel  
29th January; 22:01 - 64 minutes - Angel  
30th January; 22:00 - 68 minutes - Angel  
31st January; 22:00 - 78 minutes - Angel  
1st February; 22:02 - 71 minutes - Angel  
2nd February; 22:10 - 76 minutes - Angel  
3rd February; 21:13 - 104 minutes - Angel  
4th February; 22:00 - 112 minutes - Angel  
5th February; 22:01 - 106 minutes - Angel  
6th February; 22:04 - 110 minutes - Angel  
7th February; 20:09 - 90 minutes - Angel  
8th February; 22:00 - 93 minutes - Angel  
9th February; 22:03 - 76 minutes - Angel  
10th February; 22:01 - 75 minutes - Angel  
11th February; 22:02 - 101 minutes - Angel  
12th February; 22:00 - 63 minutes - Angel  
13th February; 22:01 - 109 minutes - Angel**

###  Incoming call, 14th February, 22:00 

**** “Evening” 

“Happy Valentine’s Day” 

** “Oh yeah, that’s a thing. HVD I guess”**

“Do you know, I would have assumed you only typed ridiculous acronyms, but there we go,”

**”There’s no end to the ridiculous things I will do to look cool”**

“I don’t doubt it.

Ready?” 

**”Desperately”**

“Chapter 34 - the forest again”

###  Text received, 15th February 09:13 

** I’ve been thinking **

About?

** Neville **

Of course you have.

Why is Mr Longbottom on your mind? 

** He’s a Gryffindor **

It took you seven books to work that out? 

** No**

**It’s just… **

**He doesn’t think he’s brave**

**But when it matters most, he is **

I suppose so 

** I may only be a Slytherin but**

**Seems like that’s the only kind of bravery worth having **

I think you’re right

###  Missed call, 15th February 22:00 

###  Missed call, 15th February 22:01 

###  Text received, 15th February 22:01 

** Are you okay?**

**Aziraphale? **

###  Text received, 15th February 22:16 

Hello, sorry

** That’s okay**

**What’s up? **

Could I perhaps call you? 

** You’ve called me every night for the past month **

Ah

Yes

Well

This would be a not-reading call

** A not reading call? **

**Of course **

###  Incoming call, 15th February 22:21 

** “Everything okay?” **

“I think so”

**“What’s up?”**

“Nothing. Really, I’m quite fine” 

**”Angel, please”**

“I’m not sure I should say” 

**”Well you have to now, else it’s-“**

“Entrapment, yes. 

Well, the problem Anthony is that I rather think I’m in love with you. 

Are you still there?” 

** “Mhmm”**

“Good.

It feels quite splendid to actually say it out loud. 

I’m in love with you and frankly I have been for months.

But the problem is that I’m so scared, Anthony. You have no idea.

At first I was scared that you couldn’t possibly want me, too. 

And then I was scared that the moment you met me you’d realise I was just a bit fatter than you’d thought or a bit out of style or odder than you had built up in your head

And then when I saw you in that bookshop I was so scared you wouldn’t turn around

Or that you would and you’d instantly regret it all

But it quite possibly became the best day of my whole life. 

And then Gabriel showed up.

Funny that it should be his number I was trying to text when I got yours - like he brought us together.

But

Well, you can probably tell that my family is… well, traditional tends to be a way to say bigoted without the insult, but you take your pick I suppose.

I’ve had… companions before but never… never like this

Never like you.

So there we were and I was certain the way I felt about you was painted so plainly on my face that when Gabriel appeared I felt as though I had been caught red handed, reaching for the apple of Eden. 

I’m certain they’ve suspected for some time but…

I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to make you my secret, you see

And of course then you said you couldn’t keep playing the game, which made it…

Well it made it harder and easier all at once

Easier, because I was staying away from you for you, not for my own sins and cowardice.

But I love you, Crowley. 

And I’m not scared of that

I’m Neville Freaking Longbottom” 

** “You told them?” **

“I did. 

Mother said she’d known all along and loves me just the way I am

But my brothers 

… They are not of the same opinion” 

**” How… ahem, sorry. How do you feel?” **

“I’m in love with you” 

**”I got that bit. **

**I meant about the whole coming out thing” **

“Yes, I know.

But I have spent so long pretending that I’m not in love with you that now I can say it I simply cannot stop myself. That’s all there is. 

I’ll stop if you want. 

I realise now that I have been rather forwards… I’m very sorry.

Blast. Give me a moment

Someone at the door. 

What kind of time is this? 

Oop, there goes the Dostoyevsky.

Key, key, key 

It’s around here somewhere

Ah! In the door. 

Sorry, but I’m actually in the middle of-“ 

** “Hello, Angel” **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having a well paced upload schedule is for SUCKERS. So, second chapter in 2 days and the final chapter coming soon! 
> 
> I actually already know what fic I'm going to be working on next (more human AU Aziraphale/Crowley anyone?) so keep an eye out for that! I've also got a High School AU that's completed, so if you haven't read that check it out! 
> 
> Honestly, I've said this 100 times before but you guys are my favourite place on the internet. I am so so so so so moved by every single person who takes time to read this, comment, kudos. I'm just so glad I get to share this story with you and even more glad that you seem to be enjoying it a little bit. 
> 
> Hope you're staying safe, hope you're enjoying the story! :) x


	10. No more talking

With his golden hair backlit from the hallway light, the sight in front of Crowley really was divine. Aziraphale stood, slack-jawed, lips parted and a blush seeping into the corners of his cheeks. He was still holding the phone against his ear, through which Crowley could hear unsteady breaths. His was certain his own pulse could be heard across the city, never mind the distance between them now. 

The time between hearing Aziraphale proclaim his feelings and throwing clothes on and jumping into his car were embarrassingly short. He’d lost count of how many traffic violations he’d committed in his speed to get to this place as soon as he could, and now staring at Aziraphale across the threshold of his flat, Crowley felt the world finally slow down.

“Let me know-” Crowley began as he stepped forwards, breaching first the doorway and then the inches between them with an uncharacteristic patience “-if I’m going too fast,” 

But Aziraphale didn’t; couldn’t, though Crowley gave him every opportunity to as he removed the phone from his hand, ending the call before returning his gaze to the other man. Crowley waited for any sign that he should stop as every atom inside him buzzed with the closeness to Aziraphale. 

Of course, Aziraphale gave Crowley no time at all when he closed the canyon between them, pushing his body flush against Crowley’s - tartan meeting denim, lips meeting lips. 

That was permission enough for Crowley, who burst to action the second their mouths touched. They went stumbling back, instinct and longing taking over as he pushed Aziraphale back against the stack of books lining every wall sending a stack of what he was sure was bibles crashing to the floor. The sound went unheard as they breathed in one another. Every thirst quenched, every hunger sated, retribution for every sleepless night and freedom from every unsent text message; Crowley found it all in Aziraphale. In his lips, in the strands of blonde hair gripped between his fingers, in the skin of his navel that brushed against his own. It was all worth it, finally. 

“Hello, Crowley,” Aziraphale stuttered out between kisses. “It’s good to see you” 

“Shhh,” Crowley responded, though it came out as more of a growl from inside his chest. “No more talking,” 

If Aziraphale had planned on debating the point, Crowley tracing the lines of his neck with his lips put an end to that very quickly, and instead he entwined their hands, palm to palm and leant into it. 

Approximately eighteen minutes and fifty one seconds passed in a similar vain, waves of passion retreating only to grow again and crash against their shores, leaving them drowning in the other’s scent, skin, mouth. 

The shrill siren of an iPhone default ringtone cut through the air.

Crowley stopped like a snake ready to strike. Slowly he unpeeled himself from the other man, removed his leg from its place between Aziraphales’ and straightened up, allowing his companion to do the same. To his credit, Aziraphale managed to look quite dignified despite the state of undress he had somehow managed to get himself to. 

“Are you going to get that?” he asked innocently as the phone shrieked on. Crowley didn’t know how he managed to sound anything resembling innocent when he looked like sin in a bow tie. Against his better judgment, Crowley dropped his eyes to his phone. 

“It’s Ana. Might be important,” he said apologetically. 

“I’ll give you a moment. Come up when you’re ready.” Aziraphale smiled, before turning to head upstairs. “Oh and Anthony?”

“Yeah?” 

“Don’t disappear on me,” 

“I won’t,” 

Crowley placed the phone to his ear.

“Ssssso help me, Anathema, thiss had better be an emergency,” 

“Oh,” she said guiltily. “It’s not,” 

“What iss it?” 

“I was worried about you! I haven’t had a mopey text in two days and thought you might want some company,” Crowley cleared his throat.

“Not… not a problem there actually,” 

“What? You don’t have other friends,” 

“Rude… and wrong,” 

“Are you at work or something? What’s up?” 

“Yes, I’m at work,”

“Doesn’t sound like you’re at work,” 

“What gave it away? Perhaps the fact that it’s practically midnight?” 

“Oh my stars! You’re hooking up with someone aren’t you?” 

“What-”

“That’s your sexy voice! Have you met someone?”

“Err… yes, fine,” 

“Good. I hate catching you at it alone,” 

“Lucifer, Anathema!” 

“It’s like you get hangry but instead of hungry you’re-”

“Thank you, I get the picture,” 

“I’m so pleased! Who is it? Do you finally feel like you’re getting over your little texting friend?” 

“Sure,” there was a beat of silence.

“It’s him, isn’t it?”

“Little bit” 

“So you’re not over him?” she sounded perfectly giddy. 

“No,”

“So every time you’ve said ‘I don’t care, I don’t remember, I’m an eternal bachelor, y’know like Leo’ that was all…” 

“Bollocks, yes. Your impression of me is as uncanny as ever,”

“I’ve been practicing. So I was right?”

“Yes, okay. You were right, you always are. But right now I’m wasting my time talking to you rather than finally spending a little bit of time with the person I’m in love with, so unless there’s anything else?”

“Well what are you doing on the phone to me? GO! Wait, no! AJ? Be safe!” 

“Anathema, we need to talk about boundaries tomorrow. Goodbye,”

When Crowley looked up from the phone he saw Aziraphale standing primly at the top of the steps. He’d removed the jacket and shoes, which oddly felt more intimate than the events of ten minutes ago, especially considering the expression he was shooting in Crowley’s direction. 

“No emergency. She’s fine,” he muttered, dropping his phone onto the side table (a stack of absurdist plays).

“You’re - ahem - you’re in love with me?” Aziraphale asked, the sickening sweetness of his expression dripping like molasses into his voice. 

“Pray tell, Angel but what did you think this was all about?” he kicked off his shoes and began to ascend the stairs. Now that he could go as fast as he wanted, he quite liked taking his time, watching Aziraphale’s gaze grow heavier as he got closer. “The messages, the heart ache, the kissing… just mates are we?”

“Well, now that you mention it, I suppose it does make some sense…” 

“Some sense? Only some?” He was near the landing now, one step down from Aziraphale, putting them almost at eye level. “Because I’m certain I can illuminate you further. Only if you feel like you need a bit of education on the matter,” 

Aziraphale flushed. 

“Well, as a scholar I do think it would be prudent to - ahem - gather more data. For educational purposes, of course” 

“Of course,” 

When Crowley kissed him this time, the waves of passion still danced around their toes but something stronger reared its head, threatening to drag him down. The smell of Aziraphale, the softness of him, the months spent wanting this and the feeling of his lips turned into a smile - Crowley was content. 

“Could I interest you in some wine? Chateux de Moisnette, perhaps?” Aziraphale offered in a whisper.

“Only if we can drink it tucked in an airing cupboard,” 

“How else is one meant to enjoy a vintage like this?” 

“Are you going to dress up for me too? I’m pretty sure you have an angel costume kicking around here somewhere…” 

“Are you always this salacious? I’ve half a mind to send you off,” 

“Send me where?” 

“Back to the hell from whence you came, demon,” Crowley laughed, and even Aziraphale was grinning, smugly admiring the joy on Crowley’s face. 

“Get the back, foul fiend,” he added before gesturing to the door into the flat. “After you,” 

Crowley led the way into the flat. He recognised some of it from pictures admired late into the night. Other parts he’d only imagined - the kitchen where Aziraphale made his coco, the plush sofa where he would sit and read to Crowley, the shelves and shelves of dusty books. Crowley took it in, admiring the touches of Aziraphale that blessed every surface, wondering if Aziraphale had dreamt of this as much as he had.

“Oh, my dear. Your phone,” Aziraphale said behind him, pointing down the hallway to the abandoned object. 

“Nope,” Crowley shook his head, grabbing Aziraphale’s hand and pulling him into the lounge. “No more phones. Never again,” 

“Well then, mind the Dostoyevsky on your way through,”

“As you wish, angel,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh so that's a wrap on this one. :')
> 
> The reason I've actually sped through the last few chapters of this is because I got super excited about my next project but didn't want to abandon this one to work on that one. So hopefully I'll be launching something else soon so keep an eye on that. 
> 
> Thank you SO much to everyone who has read it and gave it a kudos. It means the world to me. Happy to chat in comments etc so please do get in touch. 
> 
> Big love to everyone in the Gomens fandom. Y'all are truly the best community out there. 
> 
> :) x


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